Manners and Etiquette Do Work

Dear Readers,

As some of you know, I am a business owner and I have been swept up into the operations of my business along with a new project that requires the majority of my attention.

Because of this…I will temporarily be on hiatus.  Thank you for reading my posts and interacting with me on Twitter…I’ll be back soon!

p.s. I will still tweet now and then!

I’m out and about on most days and for some reason I encounter rudeness wherever I go.  At the gym, on the road, at the grocery store…rude people are everywhere and I need to put them on blast!

• To the individuals sprawled out in middle of the aisle at Barnes & Noble: Honestly people, try clearing the aisle when you see me walking down it.  I really don’t appreciate dodging your legs and feet!
• To the persons who leave their shopping carts right behind my car:  I’ve witnessed this outside a grocery store on many occasions.  Ummm, hellooo…there are designated areas to return the shopping cart to.  What makes you so special that you believe you can ignore that and just leave your cart behind any car…so rude!
• To the persons at the gym: Why do you think towels are distributed?  Exactly, so you can wipe your body fluids off after you’re done with the equipment, because I certainly don’t want to sit in it!
• To the rude NYC bus drivers who try to intimidate the smaller vehicles:  Yes, your vehicle is huge and would probably crush mine without a problem.  But, that doesn’t give you the right to  force your monstrosity of a vehicle in front of mine when I clearly have the right of way.  Goodness bus drivers, get a clue, because if you hit my car, I’m suing the city due to your wreckless driving!
• To the rude doorman who didn’t assist me with my bags:  Excuse me Mr. Doorman, I understand I’m only  a visitor to your building, but I had many bags in my hand the day I arrived.   So I appreciated your hello and jokes about me “looking like a bag lady”,  but how about assisting a lady struggling with a few bags….geez!!
• To the individuals going up/down stairs on wrong side:  Hello people, but when it’s rush hour or just extremely busy you should ascend and descend stairs the same as you drive.  I don’t want to squeeze past five persons and all their belongings incorrectly descending the stairs on the same side I ascend them.  From the view at the bottom of the staircase – ascend to the right and descend to the left…it’s just that simple!
• To the garage valet taking restroom breaks: I certainly am not against my building’s garage valet taking a restroom break.  But when I arrive and the sign says “Back in 5 minutes, using the bathroom”, and you arrive 15 minutes later with coffee and a bagel, that’s not good.  Please put me on notice correctly.   Although it’s indoor parking, I can enjoy the next 10 minutes in the warmth of my car and not stand with the cold weather nipping at my toes!
• To the rude spa business owner: I visited a spa in NYC a few times and received great services: massage, manicure and pedicure.  In November, the spa owner connected with me on Twitter and asked when I’d like to receive their new Hot Chocolate Pedicure.  To make a long story short, I cancelled a November appointment and on December 8th, she contacted me via a Twitter DM, “Do you have time to come this week?”   Due to the crazy Holidays I told her no.  On January 8th, she direct messages me via Twitter and says, “Are you ready to try your Hot Chocolate Pedicure yet?”  Keep in mind we haven’t spoken since December 8th – no salutation, no Happy Holidays, nothing but her question.  I would never do that to someone and I found it so uncouth and rude!  So other than to ignore her, my response was, “Happy New Years to you too! Not yet!”  Does she really think I will continue patronizing her and paying for her services and I don’t even receive a proper salutation?  I’m not that desperate to receive 50% off spa services…some people really need to get a clue!
• To the rude drivers making left or right turns:  I don’t mind that you need to make a left or right turn.  But at least be in the correct lane!  I really don’t want to see you barreling across two or three lanes to turn when you could have just as easily entered the turning lane in a timely fashion…geez!

Where do you encounter rude people?

Just how much should I tip at the carwash when six guys are handling my car? 

I ponder this question each time I frequent the local carwash. When I enter the carwash, two guys take my car and there’s a tip box –  which I ignore.   When my car exits the carwash, there are four guys drying and fussing over my car.  And there’s also a second tip box. I drive a luxury car, so at times I wonder, are there four guys fussing over my car because they hope I may tip more?   During my next visit,  I will purposely pay attention to how many guys fuss over the non-luxury car…hmmm.

I used to give each guy $1 and place it in their hand.  Why?  Because I felt that if I placed it in the tip box, they may not see me tipping and who’s to say I would only place  $1 or $2 in the tip box.  Yes, these silly thoughts invaded my mind each trip to the carwash.

But my trip to the carwash on Tuesday really made me ponder how should one tip during their visit to the carwash – and did carwash tipping etiquette exist.  To answer my questions, I consulted with Arden Clise (AC) of Clise Etiquette.

DBSR: Does carwash tipping etiquette exist, because I’ve never heard of it?

AC: Yes. Typically you tip $2 to $3, $3 to $5 for a SUV. If there is a tip box put the tip in there. It will be split by everyone who is working on the cars. If there is no tip box, hand it to the person drying your car.

DBSR: Should someone feel obligated to place money in the tip box upon entry at the carwash?
AC: No, unless these people do something out of the ordinary for you, like get you through the line faster.

DBSR: How much should be placed in a tipbox when four men are drying your car?
AC: $2 – $3, $3-$5 for a SUV. Tips will be split between them.

How do you tip at the carwash?

It’s so exciting – we are less than 24 hours away from a New Year!  2010 is approaching fast and individuals have a variety of new year resolutions they would like to accomplish.   I really hope some people’s resolution are to leave rude behavior behind in 2009 and move forward with manners and kindness in 2010.

If only more individuals realized how much a smile or thank you or please made such a difference, it would surely be a kinder and happier society.   Being polite and kind and sensitive to others is something I believe in and grew up with and it’s lead me down a happy road my entire life.   Here are some of the things that I abide by to making society a better place:

• Always say thank you
• Always say please
• Smile at people you walk by in passing
• Treat others how you want to be treated
• Cover your mouth when coughing or sneezing
• People are always slow to praise and quick to criticize – show your appreciation asap if someone’s behavior warrants it
• Smile when someone approaches you
• Smile when you approach someone
• When you see someone wearing a nametag and they were helpful, address them by their name when saying thank you
• Say hello when approaching a store clerk/cashier/salesperson
• Don’t react to rudeness with rudeness
• Avoid road rage
• Follow the rules of the road
• No name calling
• Throw trash in the trash receptacle – and not in the street
• Don’t talk with your mouth full
• Only share jokes with people you know won’t get offended
• Kill people who appear rude with kindness
• Address someone by their first or full name when sending an email
• Don’t text someone you don’t personally know
• Say hello and thank you in your text messages
• Give your seat to an elderly or disabled individual
• Say excuse me if you bump someone or step on someone’s toes

What are you going to do to make society more enjoyable and less rude in 2010?

We’re all guilty of it from time to time, especially when our emotions get the better of us – being RUDE!  Some of us are always obnoxiously rude while others are driven to it.  Some rude acts are extreme, while others are mild – so you be the judge of the extremity of what I believe are some rude acts committed in 2009:

• September 10, 2009 – Joe Wilson yelling  “You lie” to President Obama: Rep. Joe Wilson shocked many observers Wednesday night when he shouted, “You lie!” after the president denied that health care legislation would provide free coverage for illegal immigrants Read more here 
• September 13, 2009 – Kanye West Crashes VMA Stage During Taylor Swift’s Award Speech.  The rapper stormed the stage just after the first award, for Best Female Video, was presented to Taylor Swift. He cut the teen singer off, grabbing the mic and protesting in support of Beyoncé.  Read more here
• December 16, 2009 – Tiger Wood’s Affair With 15 Women:  Tiger Woods allegedly got away with FIFTEEN affairs in the span of five years. How exactly did he do it and what do his plentiful infidelities say about the man he really is  Read more here
• September 12, 2009 – Serena Williams’ Outburst at U.S. Open: Defending champion Serena Williams was charged with a point penalty on match point after yelling at a line judge for a calling a foot fault on her previous serve Read more here
• December 13, 2009 – Senator Schumer insults US Airways Flight Attendant:  Senator Chuck Schumer forgot to check his dirty mouth for a flight on Sunday Read more here
• October 15, 2009 – Balloon Boy: Three days after the world watched a giant balloon fly through the air as a tearful family expressed fears that their 6-year-old boy could be inside, authorities announced what millions suspected  Read more here

What rude acts do you recall being committed in 2009?

 Tailgating, cutting drivers off, yelling, cursing,  aggression, giving the finger and the list goes on and on for what drivers encounter on a daily basis.  “If you are subjected to aggressive driving, often the best way to ensure it doesn’t get any worse is to just ignore it.” – Ray Palermo, Response Insurance

 I spend quite a bit of time in my car and although I don’t consider myself an overly agressive driver, I consider myself a very good defensive driver.  In addition, I obey all the road’s rules, say thank you when necessary and overall I’m a polite person on the road. 

I really wish I could say the same about every other driver.  There are 10 rude things they do that never fail to drive me up a wall!

1. Don’t signal prior to changing lanes - If there’s traffic and you simply need to change lanes for whatever reason, just put your signal on.  Believe me, it makes a world of difference, including putting me on notice of what you’re about to do – that way I don’t wind up slamming down on my brakes for no reason….geez!
2. Speed up to not let you into lane – Now, you clearly see my indicator signaling I’m changing lanes.  Why be an a*shole and speed up just to not let me in. Seriously,  it makes absolutely no sense!
3. Drive slowly then speed up at the traffic light - For whatever reason, you drive like 10 miles an hour in front of me, then speed up at the traffic light and even run the red light – shameful!
4. Pull out of parking spot in a haste – I don’t get it.  There are no other drivers behind me, so why shoot out of your parallel parking spot in such a haste as if you’re fleeing town? 
5. Blow horn 1/2 a second after light turns green – The light literally just turned green. Calm down, you will have the opportunity to drive through it.  We’re not at NASCAR, so calm down!
6. Don’t wait their turn at Stop Sign - we’re at a stop sign and you clearly are supposed to wait your turn, but nooooo – you decide to just dash through the Stop Sign like you have no sense.
7. Attempt to take your parking spot and clearly saw you waiting for it first – My car is double parked, my signal indicates I’m waiting for the parking spot. So why would you attempt to reverse into a space you clearly see me waiting for.  It just makes absolutely no sense!
8. Drag race down the street for no good reason – the sign clearly says 30 mph, so why on God’s green earth are you driving at least 60mph down a local street? Don’t you know the light will eventually turn red..helloo!
9. Double park without even trying to pull over - ok, I understand. You need to run into the store, or make a quick phone call or whatever requires your attention to pull over.  But please, at least attempt to pull over – don’t  just stop the car literally in front of me and then put your flashing lights on – you’re still in the street.  Give me a break!
10. Tailgating – Driving books state to drive at least 2 cars length behind the driver in front of you.  I’m always at least one car’s length behind the driver in front of me.  I simply don’t understand when you are so close behind me that I cannot see your headlights.  If you feel I’m driving slow then go into the other lane.  It’s just that simple!

Road and Travel Magazine discusses several ways to avoid aggressive driving and aggressive drivers while on the road.

Wine Cellar Melamine Collection

Enjoy your Holiday entertaining without worrying about broken glassware and tableware! 

I love to entertain.  When I first began entertaining, my gatherings were small and intimate; so of course I would break out the fine tableware, flatware and glassware.

Eventually, my guest list began to grow and so did the amount of tableware and glassware breakage…aaagh!   A client who also entertains frequently had the same issue and so after some research I came across a great company – Simply Smart Living – that sells break-free glassware, stemware and tableware – as in plastic, melamine,  polycarbonate and acrylic.

You name it, they sell it: tumblers, serving trays, wine glasses, plates, drinking glasses, bowls, placemats, kitchen towels, pitchers, ice buckets, kitchen gadgets and so much more.   And there’s something for every budget and taste. 

Mardi Gras Melamine Plates

I personally love the Mardi Gras Melamine  tableware  for everyday use.  I have a set in Mango and Red and they’re microwable and scratch resistant!   

For informal entertainment purposes, I love using the Wine Cellar Melamine Collection, pictured above.  They’re so much fun to use, they always start a conversation and my guests love them also!

For more formal entertaining purposes, I enjoy using the Strahl Plastic Collection – in Clear.  I also use the   Strahl Varietal tasting-style stemware . 

Strahl Plastic Dinner Plate Collection

Whatever your taste and budget – Simply Smart Living definitely has something for everyone.   So, be the host or hostess you are and enjoy your entertaining on whatever

Individuals encounter acts of rudeness everyday.  And thanks to all the social media, we have more than just our family, friends and foes to vent to.  People are not shy about ranting and raving to complete strangers…which can be a good thing!

I did a keyword search for “rude” on Twitter and here are some random tweets of rudeness encountered by Twitter readers that I found interesting:

•  #Rude neighbor parked his car in front of my house last night with car alarm going off every 15 min. And he knew it. Miss yr car this am?
• It’s kind of awkward. On this date. He didn’t offer to pay. Rude.
• Rude people piss me off!
• People are so rude…I’m telling you if this wasn’t my job n I didn’t have to run the risk of getting fired ppl would be getting cussed out!
• Its so rude when people don’t cover their mouth when they yawn. Ew.
• hmm confused at how rude some peeps can be! very very out of the blue!
• Just plane rude: Sen. Charles Schumer refers to female flight attendant as the b-word http://post.ly/FGtp
• I walked into someone’s house lastnight&the 1st thing they say is “why ya earrings so big?!” <- is that rude? Should I be offended?!
• i think its so rude when you ask someone to please leave you alone and they keep pushing… save the drama for yo mama
• fact is some ppl enjoy being mean, rude & attempting 2 mess up others day (4 a vast majority of reasons). It is sad but true
• Everyone matters. Please make sure you spread LOVE today & positive energy. Even if someone is tryna be rude KiLL em’ w. Kindness. I do
• Job Search Tip #1 If you are rude to the assistant or the receptionist. You can almost kiss that gig goodbye !!! mmmkayyy
• So I’m walkin into the store and I’m holdin the door for this slow ass lady n her rude ass didn’t even say thank u smh
• gonna shot myself. all these crowds and rude ppl in the mall! the things we do for christmas!!!
• Has decided that all rude/stupid people can kiss my ass! I refuse to let you affect my mood. Enjoy the steaming pile Santa sends u for Xmas
• There are two people leaning against my cube wall having a full on meeting. #rude
• you’re with a friend and they spend significant proportion of time texting, tweeting etc.to others, is this rude or well connected?
• I can’t help but giggle at the sour,cranky,impatient,foul and rude people I’ve come across over the last few days while out and about.

We already know Americans are tip fanatics and quite familiar with or constantly provided guidance on tipping here in the States.  In parts of Asia, it can be considered quite rude leaving a tip.  And I know you certainly don’t want to insult anyone!  So, what if you’re traveling abroad for the Holidays…what to do? 

Erik Van Tongerloo  wrote on  Helium that tipping in Japan is viewed as insulted and the waiter will think the service or food was not good. Even if you left some money on the table the waiter will chase after you and return the money because he thinks you forgot some money on the table.  The tipping customs of Japan are different from most other Asian countries. In Thailand there are no specific rules for tipping.

Tipping is here more common in hotels which are often visited by tourists but in reality Thai people don’t expect one. Tipping in Asian can be very complicated. It is necessary to inform on time about the tipping habits of the country you want to visit because you can also break the law. In Vietnam tipping is illegal and this was also in China until 1980. In Singapore tipping is not encouraged but we see more and more that the practice of tipping is growing in many places of the country

Use the Worldwide Tipping Chart below to guide you on your travels abroad this Holiday Season.   

 Elliot C. McLaughlin of  CNN  states:

Especially in Asia and the South Pacific, there are regions where tipping is “not only not customary, but it would be considered quite rude,” he said, offering parts of Tahiti, Fiji and Singapore as examples.

Places like China and Vietnam are just starting to embrace the “capitalistic impulse” of gratuities, Stallings said, and in Australia, Iceland, Japan and New Zealand, only high-end establishments and tourist traps expect it.

In some central and eastern European countries, like Austria, Czech Republic, Germany and Hungary, leaving your tip on the table at a restaurant is considered uncouth. Go ahead and hand it to the server, Stallings said.

And whenever possible, tip in the local currency unless you’re in a country with close American ties like Mexico or the Philippines.

“If you’re in Jakarta (Indonesia), and you give someone a dollar, the money is worthless to them,” he said. “They still have to change it to rupiah,” and they’ll likely get hit with an exchange fee.

In parts of Asia and the Middle East, gift-giving is a more entrenched part of the culture than tipping, though Stallings said, “I can’t for the life of me think of a circumstance where you’d be so personally beholden to someone.”

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Please, thank you, yes sir, excuse me…these words just don’t exist in some people’s vocabulary.  It really disturbs me how individuals these days are just so rude and don’t seem to care about other people’s feelings.  Children don’t respect their elders, people step on or push you without saying excuse me, excessive road rage, lack of respect for people in general…I can go on an on! What happened to our society?  Why does it appear society is just becoming increasingly rude?

Well stay tuned…I had the opportunity to ask a few etiquette experts why has our society evolved into one of pure rudeness:

Question 1: Why do you feel people in society as a whole have become so rude?
A. “I believe Rudeness has been greatly emphasized thru our Media, in a multitude of sensational journalism. We are constantly confronted with “people acting badly to people”, whether it’s a celebrity, politician, sales person or student. I sense a terrible breakdown of values and that worries me for the future of our Country.  This coupled with so much Anger, has created a corrosive lack of respect for other people.” Roslyn Rolan – Owner, The Image and Etiquette Institute of NJ

A. “People are becoming ruder because there is less accountability and less respect for authority. Parents aren’t disciplining their kids or allowing teachers or coaches to discipline them. We also see celebrities and elected officials doing outrageously rude things and not being held accountable. If our role models are rude or aren’t holding us accountable why should we be any different?” Arden Clise –  Owner, Clise Etiquette

A.  “What an interesting question.  It does make the assumption that I think people have become ruder than they once were…  About which I am not entirely certain.  After all: what is ‘rude’?  Does it denote discourteousness, lack of civility or rather bad manners…  are they the same?  I believe there is a difference between poor etiquette and rudeness: though they are linked, are not necessarily synonymous.  If I were to ponder what is at the root of rude, as defined as being “discourteous or impolite, esp. in a deliberate way” by the Random House Dictionary, then I should think there have always been very rude people, and they are not necessarily on the incline.   If we defined ‘rude’ as lacking etiquette skills, however, then that is most definitely on the increase, manners waning from one generation to the next. Many well-meaning people are now lost when it comes to addressing a letter correctly, or which direction to pass food at a dinner table…  Simple things, which we do for a very good reason and which require no effort.”   Nathalie Findlay – Owner, Nathlie Findlay Lifestyling

A.  “Lack of accountability: People generally feel they have much less direct accountability in 21st Century mashed-up society.  Research shows that we’re more apt to be rude to people we don’t know, don’t feel accountable to, or when we don’t have face to face contact.  Add to this, inappropriate modeling via TV, Movies, Utube, etc. and it’s no surprise that we see so many people lacking social skills or simply being overtly rude.  So, high density living, world wide web, and multi-media have fueled the fire, but also may be our salvation as well.  That is, happily the trend is reversing and social skills are gaining attention and becoming more highly valued.” Susan Fitter Sloane – Owner, Global Manners

A. “I believe that in human cultures, there has always been rudeness, though as technology and society continue to evolve, we are provided with new ways to be rude to each other. My father has always said, “people are peopley” meaning that we all have our good and not so good points, and while we often try to do our best, we can forget and become self-centered. I believe there are four key factors leading to today’s rudeness: (1) Today’s fast-paced world, expectations of instant gratification, and a “me” orientation; (2) the increasing acceptance by society of the media (especially many reality shows), movies, and video games glorifying such behavior (3) in the U.S. specifically, the lack of parental guidance and adults tyring to be “friends” with young people rather than providing appropriate leadership and social skills; and (4) technology such as the Internet and TV provide people with a greater opportunity to witness and learn of others’ rudeness on a global level that was unavailable in the past.”  Laura A. Barclay – Owner, Etiquette Centre of Minneapolis

A. “In my heart of hearts, I don’t think the average person are rude for the sake of getting their own way or just because they are mean-spirited.  Today’s technology and the ease and affordability of brief and faceless encounters has (IMO) created a new personality.  Unfortunately, this new personality most definitely comes across as rude!  On Facebook or Twitter, no one expects eye contact or a well-verbalized greeting or simple gesture of kindess.  Yet, in real life situations, this same indifference is perceived (and rightfully so) as R-U-D-E.”  Kate Lewis - Business Etiquette Consultant  

Question 2: Do you see society becoming “unrude” or do you only see it getting worse? Why?

A. “I think it will get worse before it gets better. That said, I’m seeing a lot more interest in business etiquette so I think people are getting tired of rude behaviour.”   Arden Clise –  Owner, Clise Etiquette

A. ”It’s difficult to determine where the origin of that problem lies, but if I were to speculate, I would attribute it to a combination of factors: on one side, the public education system, which most often puts academics before manners, putting the onus upon the student’s family to oversee the ’social’ part of their child’s rearing, and inversely, dual-income parents, who must rely in large part upon the education system to bring up their child for them.  Neither can be blamed directly, nor can they be praised for the result.”  Nathalie Findlay – Owner, Nathlie Findlay Lifestyling 

A. “As above, the rudeness trend is beginning to reverse.  “Bad manners” are becoming uncool again, in part, because social media exposes offending behavior, thereby increasing accountability once again.  We see this new trend in beauty pageants (the interview is becoming much more important) and even in celebrity and politician misbehavior.”   Susan Fitter Sloane – Owner, Global Manners

A. “I do see it as getting worse, but I’m working to change that! Kate Lewis - Business Etiquette Consultant

Question 3: What can individuals do to remain positive and tolerate people in such a rude society?

A.  “People need to remain polite, gracious and respectful. When we counter rude with rude no one wins and the behavior just escalates. By modeling gracious behavior we are slowly showing rude people there is a better way.”   Arden Clise –  Owner, Clise Etiquette

A.  Ah, therein lies the rub…  The only way to successfully annihilate rudeness is to smother with vast quantities of politeness.  Of course, this shouldn’t require any effort, for gentility should be second nature. (Not to mention the fact that it is bad manners to point out someone else’s bad manners*).  The answer, therefore, is just to be oneself and lead from example, and where possible, not to take notice. But, it helps sometimes to speak a little more loudly when offering an old woman  a seat in a bus, just to make sure everyone notices that it’s an appreciated gesture and they can do it just as easily next time without fear of violent retribution.” 
Nathalie Findlay – Owner, Nathlie Findlay Lifestyling

A.  “Individuals can fuel the momentum of the renewed trend towards kindness, empathy, and manners by modeling such behavior, teaching it to children, and expecting it from others.  And, while we can all have our “rude” moments, we can catch ourselves, apologize, and correct the offense.” 
Susan Fitter Sloane – Owner, Global Manners

A. “Remember their everyday etiquette (hold the door for someone, pick up their keys if they drop them, say ‘good morning’, genuinely, look for ways to be interactive IRL, etc.) and work on their own power of nice (if you tell your neighborhood Starbucks lady that she makes a mean latte with a smile, she is gonna treat you right).  Lastly, just remember we are all people.  Look up.  See the sky.  See the faces.  Find the eyes.  Those are people and they talk and they feel.”  Kate Lewis - Business Etiquette Consultant